


The Things I Should’ve Said.

by oh_honey



Category: Original Work
Genre: Multi
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-09-07
Updated: 2018-09-07
Packaged: 2019-07-08 00:54:00
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,384
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15919641
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/oh_honey/pseuds/oh_honey
Summary: I mean...its pretty self explanatory, but I will write all the things I should’ve said to people from my past, present, and at some point, future. I will separate them by year starting from this year, 2018. I will keep adding to the same chapter until the year is over. Please enjoy.





	The Things I Should’ve Said.

**Author's Note:**

> This was heavily inspired by bedroomdemos here on ao3/twitter aka natalina aka a very good friend of mine. From her work Open Your Heart. I don’t know how to link things but its a very good read if you’re into jikook/jihope!

To my mom, I’m sorry. I wish I said I love you more sincerely. I feel like I never show you how much I appreciate you. I keep yelling at you. Why? I wish I didn’t. There is no reason to. I feel like someday when you’re gone I’m going to regret how I’ve treated you. I ask for so much and give nothing in return. I hope I learn that this isn’t how I should treat you. I genuinely feel this everytime I give her unnecessary attitude, or talk to her like she’s stupid.

 September 6th, 2018. 11:26 pm.

 

I want to know more about you. I’d like to get closer. I feel like we would get along very well, and would like to start over. You’re so nice, but to be honest you suck at texting. You always sound so dry, and I can’t tell if you hate me or not. You also have a resting bitch face, and that also makes me wonder if thats natural or you think im ugly. Though....its kinda hot. Maybe I should never say this.

September 7th, 2018. 9:58 pm.

 

Everything you are feeling is perfectly normal. You are absolutely beautiful in your mind body and spirit. You are the sweetest person but you tell it how it is. The emotions you feel may swing but know you aren’t in this alone. We all love and care about you and your well being so much. We want to see you happy and want to help you achieve that. I’m sorry if i’ve ever appeared as annoyed by you. I’m sorry if i’ve every said anything to hurt you. I want you to know that I love you so much and that will never change for as long as I live. Please never leave us, Sora.

September 8th, 2018. 12:46 am.

 

I don’t think you’ll ever care about me as much as I care about you. You won’t see these for awhile but I feel so much jealousy. I look up to you so much but feel like a spec on the ground. Will we ever be on that level of friendship? I know I should appreciate what I have but I can’t help but want the most. I even tried to connect us all but we never talk. No one says anything. I feel like im not given the same choices or told the same things even though i’ve poured my heart out to you. You’ve seen me so low, and you didn’t know what to do. That hurts me the most. It felt like I was trying to grasp onto air. I can’t keep it in though and I know you’ll tell me the same as you did before. We can’t force it. I feel like I’m trying though, but I’m getting nothing back. What do I do now? I love you very much. I love all my friends so much. I would risk my life for them, but would they do the same for me?

September 10th, 2018. 11:58 pm.

 

I feel like I’m just making excuses for myself, but I honestly think its the depression. I mean, I couldn’t be like this naturally right? A deadbeat? It isn’t regular to not care about anything or its effect on people right? I want to care, but I never seem to learn from my own mistakes. Is it just me? I’m sorry I never clean up after myself or show you both respect. I think I need new medication. I’ve been on this one for over a year but I think i’ve plateaued and fallen back down again. But then again its nearing the end of the month and could just be my period coming. Why was I blessed with a vagina? Its made everything so confusing. Anyways. I’m sorry. I’m tired of saying sorry because do I actually ever mean it? I mean, have I ever learned from the things I’ve been sorry for? I wish I didn’t worry you both. I’m now starting to worry myself. Will I be able to support and take care of myself? I’m thinking though if I live on my own I’ll know that if I dont pay things off I’ll lose everything, or if I don’t fix things they’ll break. I won’t have something to fall onto to. I think thats why now, I don’t care because I know right now there will be somone there to catch me. On my own, there won’t. This scares me. What if I’m meant to be alone forever because if I’m with someone I’ll rely on them too much and bring them down with me. This is so...scary. I don’t know if I’ll ever be okay on my own.

September 25th, 2018. 11:53 pm.

 

I’m so confused? I need to refill my medication. I feel like nobody cares, but whats new? I feel like such a fuck up. Why can’t I realize when i’m doing something that hurts someone? Why doesn’t anyone tell me when i’m fucking up? I feel like i’m becoming more and more alone with each passing moment. I feel like i’m not close to anyone anymore. I feel like I can’t tell anyone how i’m feeling including you. I feel like a burden, like everything I do is just an annoyance to someone. How many people talk behind my back? I want to know if im doing something wrong. I hate being an adult. My anxiety is getting so bad. The thoughts are coming back and its hard to want to live. Why does it feel like no one cares that I want to end it all? Its a stupid thought since I know its not true, but I can’t help but wonder what my funeral would be like.

November 5th, 2018. 2:25 am.

 

I’m not done. I feel so behind. People keep saying that when you grow up all this leaves. The shyness , the anxiety, but when will it leave? When i’m dead? I’ve been going to this place called the arthaus where this sweet girl lets local artists exhibit their art in her house. I go because I love looking at art and the different styles, but I can’t help but feel like shit. I have been drawing since I was 10 maybe 11. So its been 10 years. Why do I still have the skill of a 8 year old? How do these people find motivation to keep practicing? I feel like I’m never going to improve. I’ll be starting university soon and taking real art classes. Will I even do good? Why am I like this? Is it really the depression or am I just lazy? Why am I not as good as them at this point, should’nt I be? I don’t understand why can’t I do anything well? I mean if we look at my life have I ever been the best at anything? No ones ever really told me I was good at something, or no ones ever picked me as their first choice. Like, “Oh they’re good at that!!” or “Wow you’re my favorite person to do this!” I feel like i’m no ones favorite at anything. Will I ever ace something? I feel so average, and boring. Why don’t I have any passion for anything? Whats wrong with me? I want to have fun like everyone else.

November 5th, 2018. 2:41 am.

 

I talked about you to my therapist today. I shared this with you and you didn’t respond how I thought you would. I told her everything. Since it started. She told me its you not me. Which, I mean, shes my therapist why wouldn’t she say that. But she’s right. I tried so hard to be close with you. I even flew thousands of miles to come see you, and what do i get in return? Nothing. Its very shitty. You said you wouldn’t continue reading these which is fine. Why would I want to be vulnerable to someone that doesn’t give a shit? You said we can have a common interest but nothing closer. So now im thinking, why the hell would I want to waste my time on you? 

November 8th, 2018. 12:11 pm.


End file.
